In society, a woman is considered a widow after her husband’s death, and her remaining life is expected to be lived according to certain rigid social norms. The concept of widowhood has been seen to disproportionately burden Hindu women. However, even within Hinduism, there is a belief in the Newar community that women never become widows — they remain soubhagyawati (a woman whose husband is alive) for life. This belief is rooted in Hindu values and was developed as a response to prevent child marriage in their society. This custom is known as “Ihi”.
In both Nepali and Indian societies, widowhood is often viewed as a curse. Due to cultural norms that dictate a widow should not remarry, millions of women in Nepal and India live marginalized lives, experiencing feelings of inferiority and mental distress. The tradition of widowhood is considered a form of oppression against women, and there have been calls to promote widow remarriage as a solution.
However, in the Newar community, which holds the belief that women never become widows, there isn’t even a word for “widow” in their language. Perhaps for this reason, Swoyambhu Lal Shrestha praises the Ihi custom as a progressive step. While several laws have been passed in the country, none have managed to abolish the concept of widowhood, yet this belief doesn’t exist in the Newar community — something they consider a matter of ethnic pride.
Although the word “Ihipa” is commonly used today to refer to marriage, old dictionaries also refer to “Ihi” as marriage. The Ihi ritual is usually performed for girls between the ages of 4 and 8. It is considered a symbolic marriage to the bel fruit (wood apple), which represents the Hindu god Vishnu. As such, since Newar women are believed to be married to Vishnu — an immortal god — they are never considered widows. The belief in Vishnu’s immortality further supports this idea.
According to legend, when Parvati asked for a blessing that no Nepali woman should ever become a widow, Lord Shiva suggested that marrying a symbolic representation of Vishnu (the bel fruit) would prevent widowhood. However, those who do not understand the Ihi tradition have mocked Newar women during their actual marriage ceremonies, saying they are already married or someone else’s wife. This shows a lack of understanding about how wisely the Newar community addressed potential societal issues affecting women.
Sardar Iqbal Ali Shah writes about Ihi: “If a Newar woman’s husband dies, the significance of her primary marriage to the bel fruit becomes evident. It proves she is not a widow and can remarry. Since they were married to the bel fruit in childhood, they claim they are not widows. This belief is unique to the Newar community in Nepal.”
Child marriage is a serious problem in many societies. Some ancient texts claim that offering a girl in marriage before her first menstruation brings religious merit to the parents, which contributed to the tradition of child marriage. However, while other societies practiced real child marriages, the Newar community developed the Ihi ritual as an alternative. According to Dilliram Regmi, child marriage is not practiced in the Newar community. In his book Ancient Nepal, he writes:
“They have protected their women from widowhood for life by adhering to the principle of divine or eternal marriage.”
There is no concrete historical record of when Ihi began. Some subgroups within the Newar community, such as the Gopalis, do not observe this custom. Why they don’t is a topic worth investigating. However, influenced by other Newars, even these subgroups now perform Ihi for their daughters.
Although formal marriage has its own significance in Newar society, there is also a socially accepted and relatively easy path to divorce. This right is held by women. A woman can officially end a marriage by returning the betel nuts she received from the groom during the wedding — even if the husband is still alive, on his deathbed, during the funeral procession, or even as he is being cremated. After this, the woman is not considered ritually impure (jutho), and based on the Ihi, she is completely free to remain single or remarry — a cultural belief that offers full autonomy.
However, in recent times, the Newar community has started to adopt the concept of widowhood, forgetting their traditional values. Some women now wear white clothes and live lives of solitude like widows in other communities, avoiding remarriage. This may be seen as an external influence. Though Ihi is still widely practiced as a tradition, the internal spiritual meaning of the ritual seems to be fading among the newer generations. As Hindu and Buddhist influences continue within the Newar community, original traditions are being forgotten or practiced without understanding.
Initially, Ihi was introduced cleverly to prevent child marriage and the stigma of widowhood as external societal influences increased.
There is no foundational scripture in Newar culture that promotes gender discrimination. On the contrary, these cultural values show that women in the Newar community have equal status to men. Although some inequality may appear on occasion, such issues should not be mistaken as traditions — they are distortions influenced by other societies. If these external influences are removed, the lifestyle of gender equality will naturally be restored, and such restoration is not just possible — it’s necessary.
( first published in Hasana Magazine in Nepali language.)